A Coupla Portlandia Episodes

January 30, 2012

203 – COOL WEDDING
Carrie drops her cell phone, causing her to flashback to all the fun times she’s had with it.
Spike and Iris plan their wedding, but call it off, when Iris gets angry that Spike has invited his ex. they get back together, while drafting their friends.
Jack McBrayer is mocked for not bringing his own bag to the grocery.
Nelofar Jamshidi stops by Women & Women for an in-store book reading.
a mailman with a dark secret, convinces someone on his route to watch The Cabinet of Dr. Caligari
two motorists have trouble deciding who has the right of way at a 4-way stop.

XianZ: +7
netflix: 4/5
imdb: 8/10

Wedding

204 – GROVER
Fred and Carrie are inundated with requests to see their friends spin.
scavenger hunt where they are dressed up like Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Fred plays a tiny man, often mistaken for a child.
man on hold with the DMV, subjected to waiting music from aspiring musicians “The Dial Tones”
Fred and Carrie go to the park with a dog who survived a tsunami.
two hippies use various pets to help them panhandle.
a married couple goes to great lengths to get their son into the right preschool.

XianZ: +4
netflix: 3/5
imdb: 7/10

Grover

Posted in television | Leave a Comment »

Ultimate Surrender – S9E21 – (4) Darling vs. (8) Holly Heart

January 28, 2012

there are few girls on the scene, who can match up with Darling, in terms of her skill and experience. her vast arsenal of holds makes her a legit threat to crack 1000 points every time she hits the mat. she showed no lingering effects of the injury she suffered last summer, in her dispatching of Charisma Capelli in week 11.

it’s been an up-and-down season for Holly Heart. she struggled in her first match back, a loss to Rain DeGrey, then showed flashes of brilliance, in a win over Audrey Rose. many analysts feel that Holly is capable of getting to that next level, but her stamina is the main issue.

it’s matches like these that provide a good measuring stick for the mid-carders to see how far they’ve come, and how far they still have to go. Darling thoroughly dominated Holly, forcing the Honey Badger to just lay there and take it, while she fingered her pussy at will. in somewhat of an unexpected squash match, Darling wins by a final score of 907-3. round 4, Darling was all up in that ass, with her trademark blue strap-on! the Goddess of Sodomy was your referee for this contest. she was sporting a low-cut zebra top, biker shorts, and knee-high socks. she did not participate in round 4.

two of my BFFs went head-to-head in last nite’s tag match. Ariel X teamed with Beretta James against Dragon and Lyla Storm. feel free to post spoilers. my pick is AX and Beretta by 75 points.

Darling

Posted in ultimatre surrender | 7 Comments »

Happy Fucking Birthday, Mike Patton!!!

January 27, 2012

on the list of my all-time favourite lead singers, Mike Patton is in the top 5 along with Dickie Moist, Peter Steele, King Diamond, and Ogre. the first show I went to was Faith No More opening for Metallica and Guns N’ Roses in June 1992. I saw him with Fantomas at the Black Cat in April 2004, and then saw Faith No More again on their very first US reunion show in April 2010. Mr. Bungle is the best of his side-projects, followed by Fantomas, Tomahawk, and Faith No More. I’ve never heard a side-project of his that I didn’t like. Mr. Patton is 44 years young today. thanks for all the great music you’ve made over the years. if he’s taught us nothing else, it’s that u should never trust anyone who doesn’t listen to Slayer. words to live by! I’ll be wearing my “Happy Birthday, Fucker” shirt that I got at the FNM reunion show, underneath my work shirt today, in honour of Patton.

Patton

Posted in music | Leave a Comment »

Great Moments In Tax Return History

January 26, 2012

my friend had his tax return form sent back to him. for the question asking him to list all dependents, he replied “12 million illegal immigrants; 3 million crack heads; 42 million unemployable people on food stamps, 2 million people in over 243 prisons; Half of Mexico; and 535 fools in the U.S. House and Senate.” FUCKING EPIC, but I guess this was not on their list of acceptable answers.

HORACE
WORD TO YA MUTHA, IRS!!!

Posted in society | Leave a Comment »

Bold Ass Royal Rumble Predictions

January 24, 2012

John Cena vs. Kane – it’s been kinda fun watching Cena “embrace the hate” over the last few weeks on RAW, as they tease a heel turn heading into his match at Mania with Rock. this match at the Rumble could end in either a no-contest or Cena getting himself DQ’d (possibly due to being overcome by the rage) I see a rematch for Elimination Chamber on the horizon.

Daniel Bryan vs. Big Show vs. Mark Henry – a triple threat match inside a steel cage featuring two monsters, and a guy who is half their size. Daniel Bryan will escape to retain the title, continuing to look as weak as possible, while still being promoted as a viable champion.

CM Punk vs. Dolph Ziggler – Johnny Laryngitis will be the special guest referee. a week after saying he would try and screw Punk out of the title, he reveals last nite that his job is up for review by Triple H, and that he is now going to be impartial. Punk retains.

30 Man Royal Rumble Match – after the abortion known as last year’s 40-man Rumble match, they’ve come to their senses, and gone back to the traditional 30-man match. WWE announced that any Superstar is eligible to compete, which means we could see a current world champion (CM Punk) in the match. let’s take a look at some of the favourites to win, my pick is in bold:

Randy Orton – the Rumble is in his hometown of St. Louis. he’s coming back from injury (which is slang for vacation in the Bahamas) at the hands of Wade Barrett. but Orton doesn’t need a win to put himself back into the world title picture.

Chris Jericho – after weeks of silent promos and teasing the fans to the point they would boo him, Y2J came out last nite and said “the world as we know it, would end on Sunday.” I heard someone say that Y2J would enter at #30, after 28 and 29 had eliminated each other. interesting way to end the match, and not that far-fetched, given how they’ve built his return.

Sheamus – despite not being involved in any high-profile feuds, Sheamus is getting a nice push as a monster babyface, with an impressive win streak. I don’t think there’s any imminent plans for a Sheamus world title run, but I’ll predict he will be in the final four.

Wade Barrett – flourishing as a singles competitor, since his days with Nexus/Corre. would benefit the most from a Rumble win. if Orton doesn’t eliminate him, he should win.

The Miz – what the fuck happened to this guy? a year ago, he beat Randy Orton to retain the WWE title, on his way to main-eventing WrestleMania. after losing to R-Truth last nite, he draws #1 in the Rumble. QUACK QUACK! I’ll predict The Miz lasts between 20-25 minutes.

Mick Foley – becomes the first man in Rumble match history, to wrestle and perform stand-up comedy, at the same time. I’ve never heard his material, but it can’t be any worse than the Ultimate Warrior’s roast of Zakk Wylde.

Barrett

Posted in wrasslin' | Leave a Comment »

Did I Hear Something About Forks?!?

January 23, 2012

I arrived at Wrath and Storm’s house to find they had just finished a hotly-contested game of Rummikub. Hipsterscum was labouring, and glad to see me, as he managed to talk them out of playing any more board games. he took no joy in eating a Hershey Sundae pie from Burger King. he said it tasted pre-packaged and there were ingredients used that were created in a lab. I haven’t been this bummed about eating a dessert since that time I ate that Boston Cream donut that was filled with vaseline.

Hipsterscum played an open mic nite somewhere in the boonies. he said something about them trying to be a family-oriented establishment, where kids can go to stay out of trouble. the place didn’t serve alcohol, but they required u to order some food, before u went on-stage. I reckon this was their version of a cover charge or two-drink minimum.

I tried to strike up a conversation with him about how Budweiser cans kinda look like Coke cans, and how Coke pulled the white cans with red lettering, b/c ppl got them confused with Diet Coke. he wasn’t too impressed with the topic at hand, so he talked about that time he bought the Metallica/Lou Reed album. this got us on the topic of whether Cliff Burton-era Metallica is better than chocolate. Wrath said Ride The Lightning is better than chocolate. I said “Escape” was my least favourite Cliff Burton-era song, and that Master of Puppets was better than chocolate. Hipsterscum was having none of it. his favourite album is Kill Em All, but said it wasn’t better than chocolate.

I preface the following show synopses by saying Hipsterscum didn’t particularly care for any of them. he watched everything except for Napolean Dynamite, and the second episode of The Life and Times of Tim. he was gracious enough to serenade us with his Alice In Chains medley, altho the guitar he was using was severely out of tune. he also tricked me into thinking he was playing Celtic Frost, but it was just the same AIC medley. he also doesn’t want me posting anymore videos of him on teh inferweb, so this may be the end of the Atheist Tambourine references. Wrath didn’t seem to mind the video, other than it was a bit disorienting, and u couldn’t hear the bass. he threw a funny Jason Newsted …AJFA joke in there for good measure.

Adventure Time
this episode reminded me alot of the Problem Solverz episode where they went on vacation and Horace kept trying to find problems to solve, only to make things unnecessarily complicated. the AT episode was set in a library. I believe Finn used the term “problem solved” or some variation thereof, during the episode. ther’s just something genuinely funny about watching a boy beat his dog with an encyclopedia, while yelling “BOOKS!” this part reminded me of the Xavier: Renegade Angel episode where the X-mang distracted ppl by getting them to chant “SPORTS!”

XianZ: +10
netflix: 5/5
imdb: 10/10

Adventure Time

Archer
there’s a group of Cuban assassins hot on Archer’s trail, but he’s much more concerned with his mother dating his boyhood idol, Burt FUCKING Reynolds. there was a scene where Archer rattles off just about every movie Burt’s been in, which reminded me of Paul Rudd’s appearance on the Delocated pilot. the driving scenes had a GTA feel to them.

XianZ: +10
netflix: 5/5
imdb: 10/10

Archer

Napolean Dynamite
2004 called, Jon Heder wants his career back, BUH HUH!!! this show is pretty much joke-free, and it’s kinda sad that they were able to get the entire cast back for the animated series. I doubt this show lasts more than 13 episodes. this is the first show to receive a negative rating on the XianZ scale.

XianZ: -8
netflix: 1/5
imdb: 1/10

The Office
I don’t watch this show with any regularity, but every time I do, it’s fuckin’ hilarious. James Spader invites the office to his mansion for one last hurrah, before he loses it to his ex-wife. best background music I’ve heard in a sitcom in a very long time.

XianZ: +10
netflix: 5/5
imdb: 10/10

Portlandia
already watched and reviewed this episode (season premiere) a coupla weeks ago.

The Life and Times of Tim
Tim’s co-workers find out he once appeared in a pudding ad as a child; Tim hires homeless ppl to drive Hugh Jackman out of his building; Rodney becomes Tim’s assistant; Tim’s boss goes to great lengths to prevent his ex-wife from taking custody of their dog.

XianZ: +7
netflix: 4/5
imdb: 8/10

we received word that Return to the Eve was able to procure autographs for us at AEE, from Asa Akira and Skin Diamond, FRITATA!!! we’ll have more on this story in the next few weeks…

Posted in society | 2 Comments »

US Government Contends Megaupload Helped Millions Illegally Download In Their Pants

January 22, 2012

according to wikipedia, megaupload wuz some sort of fancy inferweb site, where folks could go to download pornography. 50 million visitors a day, 81 million unique visitors, more than 1 billion total views, 180 million registered users, and once the 13th most-visited site on the net. the shutdown came just hours after the mass online protest of the SOPA bill (originally scheduled to be voted on Jan. 24, but has since been postponed)

the Federal Bureau of Investigation arrested Kim Schmitz (Founder), Finn Batato (CMO), Mathias Ortmann (CTO and co-founder), with Bram van der Kolk arrested by the Organised and Financial Crime Agency of New Zealand. their bail request was denied in New Zealand court, as it was opposed by US authorities on the case. on January 20, Hong Kong Customs froze more than 300 million Hong Kong dollars (US $39 million) in assets belonging to the company.

the suit alleges that they made millions (estimated at $175 million) off the trafficking of copyrighted material, but there is plenty of gray area, as well. money laundering charges include the lumping in of basic payments for web hosting, which are in no way illegal.

as one analyst put it “much of the indictment seems to be based on the simple assumption that encouraging more usage means they must be encouraging infringement, and that there should be evidence of actual wrongdoing, not merely evidence of popular use.” many legitimate files are popular and popularly shared, and an implicit assumption that paid use largely equates to infringing use would need evidence.

while infringing activity may be occurring, it may not be possible (or reasonable to require) the host to know and identify what activity is legitimate or not. File sharing may be used by many content creators. emails show infringing activity took place, but it takes place on other sites, such as Youtube.

more on this story here

CUM

Posted in technophilia | Leave a Comment »

Ultimate Surrender – S9E20 – (1) Ariel X vs. Beretta James

January 21, 2012

after taking a few months off to get breast implants, The Whole Fuckin’ Show of Ultimate Surrender has come back! the only two-time, two-time Summer Vengeance champion, and the only active wrestler to capture the Triple Crown. while displaying one of the most impressive sets of holds in the game today, AX also trains up-and-coming noobs on becoming a star in the sport she holds so dear.

Beretta “Little Pistol” James is on the short list of potential rookies of the year. after losing her first match to Gia DiMarco, she bounced back with an impressive win over Charisma Capelli. her match with AX should be viewed more as a training session to help her build for the rest of the season, and beyond. Beretta is a star in the making.

showing zero signs of ringrust, AX proved once again why she is the odds-on favourite for a third Summer Vengeance title. devastating submission holds and deep finger penetration were too much for Beretta to overcome. her first match back, and AX picks up right where she left off, with a 629-0 victory. the time away from the mat must’ve left her in a rather feisty mood, b/c she scoop-slammed Beretta, before fucking her in a variety of positions. the Goddess of Sodomy wuz your referee, rockin’ the traditional zebra shirt and sweatpants, but did not participate in round 4.

Ariel X
THE CHAMP IS HERE!!!

Posted in ultimatre surrender | 2 Comments »

Local Pervert Threatens To Quit Masturbating If Asa Akira Doesn’t Win Performer of the Year

January 20, 2012

the AVN Awards are this weekend in Las Vegas. and as sure as my name is Percival Xavier Forkbeard Van Basten Handfisher, Asa Akira will win Performer of the Year. after all, she’s won every other POTY award this season. if u were lucky enough to have Asa grace one of your flix, u probably gonna win an award for it. Insatiable 2 will win for All-Sex release, and I’m sure one of the 12 butt-related flicks she shot in 2011 will win for Best Anal Release.

I was having lunch with the head of our Bodily Fluids Exchange Subcommittee, Dr. Bob Saccamano, and we got into a heated argument over who should win for Best New Starlet. he likes Jessie Andrews (who once wrestled for Ultimate Surrender) but I told him it should be Skin Diamond. she’s got a unique punk/goth look to her that I find so gawdamn appealing! he said I only liked her b/c I fantasize that she is the daughter of King Diamond. and I was like, “well if u can think of a hotter way to exchange bodily fluids while listening to Mercyful Fate, I’d like to hear it?”

it warms the loins of my heartgroin every time I think about the nominees for Best All-Girl Release. Celeste Star first caught our attention as a semi-regular on We Live Together. once I got over the initial disappointment, that none of the girls actually lived together, I stocked up on kleenex, and began to probe some of her work. Elegant Angel gave Celeste her own vehicle last year, pairing her up in individual scenes with four ladies (including Asa Akira) her scene with Kristina Rose is nominated for Best Girl/Girl Sex Scene.

Posted in adult | 1 Comment »

Freedom…With Their Exception

January 19, 2012

didn’t think I’d be breakin’ out an “Eye of the Beholder” reference, but GAWDAMNIT, I’m learning some important shit today! there’s a bill that’s getting pushed thru Congress faster than Mexican tap water at a diarrhea convention. apparently, Hollywood wants to censor the internet by blocking outside (non-US) websites that pirate movies, tv shows, and music. oh, but only if it were that simple. Hollywood also wants to shut down social networking sites like youtube, facebook, twitter, or anyone else who may share something that they deem as copyright infringement. start-up web sites could face being shut down, if Hollywood thinks they’re not doing a good enough job of filtering content. average schmucks like me could go to jail for up to 5 years for posting a video of me doing my award-winning a capella version of King Diamond’s “Omens” and all so they can make a few extra bucks selling blu-ray copies of Zookeeper. you’ll still be able to access the piracy web sites, only now you’d haft type in their ip address. the end result will make the web less stable and less secure. sites like Google, Wikipedia, and WordPress, have taken a stand against this bill, with a self-imposed 24-hour blackout. basically, this comes down to a bunch of totally clueless politicians, with movie studio executives telling them what to do. sounds like the blind leading the blind…

here’s a video that’s far better at explaining this situation than I ever could

Posted in society | Leave a Comment »

« Older Entries
Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.